Ordinary Heart

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When I was 12 years old, I had an existential crisis. Distressing events kept hitting me like tidal waves: my beloved grandmother died; my mom went deeply into the throes of her depression; my dad was never around; I went through puberty and was dropped by the small talent agency I’d been with since I was 9 (“frankly, if she’d only been dieting as we repeatedly advised … tsk tsk”); migraines plagued me and I suddenly needed glasses, further cementing my “unpopular geek” status. But of everything, the tipping point came when two of my friends – really, two of my only friends – were each having parties on the same day, and I couldn’t figure out which one to attend.

My favorite teacher at the time was a loud, passionate, intense Italian gentleman from NYC in his sixties, who had a jolly “Santa Claus on vacation” look with his bright white mustache and merry, laughing eyes. He took a shine to me and nicknamed me Stella, saying that my red hair reminded him of his granddaughter. Often times I’d peek into his classroom when he had a free period, and he’d lean back and his chair and say “Stella! What’s happenin’?” Usually I’d just wave and smile, with a hearty “Hi, Mr. G!” But the day of the Double Party Conundrum, I broke down in tears.

I sobbed out the whole story – everything that had been going wrong that year – as I sat at a desk and Mr. G leaned on his, saying nothing but passing me tissues, his bushy white eyebrows furrowed intently. To his immense credit, there was none of the typical teasing or cajoling in his demeanor; he took my distress as seriously as I did, and when my voice finally trailed off into silence punctuated by hiccup-breaths, he cleared his throat and said: “Stella baby, you can’t bring back your grandmama, you can’t fix your parents, and you can’t be in two places at once.” (He graciously refrained from commenting upon the puberty quandary.) “But put yuh’self first? That you can do. Make you happy, everyone who loves you will be happy for you. They don’t like it, fuggedaboutem!” He made a sudden, sweeping gesture with his giant paw, like he was back-handing a line of imaginary people across the face. “Vaffanculo!” (A sensational Italian word that I learned, much later, means “fuck off”. Something about the fact that he used this in my defense just makes the memory even more charming to me.)

In the end, I turned down both of my friends’ invitations and stayed home that Saturday reading, which made me happy and angered them both, teaching me that while the logic was sound, sometimes even people who love you may take it personally when they feel that they’re being slighted. And this is something I experienced in both SL and RL very recently, which distressed me greatly and found me once more tearing up at a desk, face buried in tissues, trying to divine a way to let myself be happy while also never allowing those whom I care about to get lost in the shuffle. And I’m blessed to have wonderful people in my life who understand and appreciate this people-pleasing nature of mine. “You have a big, soft heart,” they say, though it feels pretty ordinary to me. I just need to remind myself, gently but intently, that self-fulfillment is paramount. Sometimes “no” is the kindest thing you can say to someone, or in response to a request, for the benefit of your own well-being. Still, for those whom I’ve inadvertently hurt by not being as available, or by putting my attention elsewhere for an overlong period of time, I am genuinely sorry, and I appreciate your patience tremendously. One day time will be on my side again; I have faith that I’m moving in that direction. But until then, when you have my love, that’s something you can always trust. ♡


Please click for full size.

“what I’ve got is just an ordinary heart
I’ll give it more than anybody
you can always trust this ordinary heart …”

Look

Maitreya Body – Lara v3.5
Genesis Lab Head & Skin – Melissa
Izzie’s Freckles – Body Freckles II (Maitreya, Belleza, Slink Appliers & System Layers)
Mandala Ears – Steking Ears Season 5
Damien Fate Eyelashes – FATELashes v2.0
Avi-Glam Eyes – Ardent Eyes (Aqua v2) *
Wasabi Pills Hair – Jasmine (Fudge)

Style & Pose

Thalia Heckroth Dress – Emilia Dress (in Air for Maitreya Lara) *
!Bang Poses – Stand 544M

Destination & Inspiration

✈ Sights: It All Starts With a Smile
🎧 Sounds: Emily King – Ordinary Heart

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22 thoughts on “Ordinary Heart

    Nessa June said:
    July 8, 2016 at 7:11 am

    Ever, I really think you should consider writing a book. The artful way you capture feelings and your story are truly amazing. Captivating to the last word. Well done. :)

    Liked by 3 people

      Ever Amaranthine responded:
      July 14, 2016 at 5:43 am

      You are such a radiantly kind and lovely soul, Nessa! Such a beautiful compliment; I’ve considered writing a book but it would just be personal stories, and it feels unkind to charge people for what really just amounts to blog posts, haha! But I’m hugely flattered and appreciative, thank you so much dear lady! ♥

      Like

    ManisLane said:
    July 8, 2016 at 7:15 am

    There is no substitute for pure intention, people can feel it. And you are really reaching out to that, thank you for being wonderful to everyone. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

      Ever Amaranthine responded:
      July 14, 2016 at 5:44 am

      Your words are so beautiful and perfectly said, Manis! “Pure intention” – I really love that phrase. Thank you for your amazing comment, dear lady! ♥

      Like

    Gia Swizzle said:
    July 8, 2016 at 8:31 am

    You made me tear up Ev!! Ugh! Lol
    So relatable and so moving you’re stories and experiences, with the feelings you project. I am pretty sure I just made my cup of coffee without looking at what I was doing because I was reading so intently.
    You come first Ever, remember that. We are adults now and I promise they will get over this situation, okay? You do you! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      Ever Amaranthine responded:
      July 14, 2016 at 5:46 am

      Awwww, Gia! You are such a sweet and lovely soul, and I feel terrible for making you tear up; please feel free to hit me with a fatpack next time we run into each-other at Uber. :D Thank you so much for your support and encouragement, and you’re so right, we always have to put ourselves first – that’s the only true path to happiness. Big hugs for you, my dear friend! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

        Gia Swizzle said:
        July 14, 2016 at 7:32 pm

        What’s life without a situation or moment squeezing some emotion. I would not want the Uber police arresting me for whacking you with a fatpack haha ♥

        Liked by 1 person

    Alex Danick said:
    July 8, 2016 at 10:51 am

    Never an ordinary heart might feel as you do, Eve…

    Liked by 1 person

      Ever Amaranthine responded:
      July 14, 2016 at 5:47 am

      You are so lovely and kind, Alex. Always your comments make me smile and feel warm inside; huge appreciation for you, dear one! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

    Charly Keating said:
    July 8, 2016 at 11:59 am

    My dear friend Ever!! For some reason I clicked on the word “Vaffanculo” curious as to it’s meaning? And lo and behold here I am! Reading this heartfelt piece of your life. Your writing flows effortlessly and captures the brains attention (which for me is very hard trust me on this!). Your heart is open and that makes you more special then most. I can feel your kindness, your spirit and your love in all your comments and now in your amazing way with snippet’s of your life. You should remember one thing my friend, you have grown into an wonderful and respected lady, and im very blessed to be one of the hundreds who feel that way as well.

    Liked by 1 person

      Ever Amaranthine responded:
      July 14, 2016 at 5:48 am

      My sweet Flickr Sis! You are such a radiantly lovely, kind, supportive, generous soul. I appreciate you so much, and it’s such a delight to live vicariously through your wonderful pictures and romance with Twain; the two of you always bring such a smile to my face, and the warmth you both give to the rest of us is a true gift. Thank you so much for your amazing words, they truly mean the world to me! ♥

      Like

    Lucie Bluebird said:
    July 8, 2016 at 1:20 pm

    Your writing is spectacular, Ever. I am always intrigued and drawn into your stories. Thank you for sharing so much of your heart with us, and I’d say it’s anything but “ordinary!”

    Liked by 1 person

      Ever Amaranthine responded:
      July 14, 2016 at 5:50 am

      Lucie, you’re so kind and lovely, thank you so much for your amazing words and incredible support. True appreciation for you, sweet gal! ♥

      Like

    themaravillas said:
    July 8, 2016 at 7:46 pm

    It’s almost my favorite Italian word, which I learned just several months ago…

    Liked by 1 person

      Ever Amaranthine responded:
      July 14, 2016 at 5:51 am

      Yay, Alexa! I’ll never tell you “Vaffanculo”, dear lady – but I’m glad you enjoy the word, I love it too. Now I’m curious about what your favorite-favorite Italian word is. There are so many to choose from! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

        themaravillas said:
        July 14, 2016 at 8:22 am

        lol, it’s quite simple… Ti Amo… add something like bella mia… and we’re melting right? :)

        Liked by 1 person

    Chloë-Dakota Amaranthine said:
    July 10, 2016 at 1:46 am

    This is such a heartwarming story. This is going to sound dramatic but you make me see life so differently, you make me see people so differently. I scroll through your comments and they are all heartfelt, GENUINE comments and that’s something I rarely (wink) see on the internet. Reading your nostalgic stories is like reading a chapter from one of my favorite books… I start creating this world in my mind and its colors and vibe are inspired by your pictures (aka it’s like super lovely ha-). But, anyway, remember that you are the hero in your own story, m’love and every lil chapter I read here on your blog proofs that. You carry a heart of gold and such a kind and warm soul and never let anyone get you down or change that ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      Ever Amaranthine responded:
      July 14, 2016 at 5:55 am

      Bae! Why you gotta make it rain on my face? You better come over here and dry my tears with your bosoms, missus. (I know, I’m terrible – taking your beautiful, amazing, heartfelt, wonderful, incredible comment and turning it all naughty. What are you even gonna do about it though? Mwahaha!) Seriously tho, thank you so much for your support, it honestly means the world to me to have you in my corner, and always such an amazing shoulder to lean on. You’re the best, bunny honey! :D ♥

      Like

    Moonsoul Resident said:
    July 12, 2016 at 9:10 am

    Your stories and the way you’re writing Ever…you’re giving us a piece of your heart every day. You are teaching us great lessons of life. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

      Ever Amaranthine responded:
      July 14, 2016 at 5:52 am

      Awwww, Moonsoul! That is such a beautiful, thoughtful, and lovely thing to say. I truly appreciate you so much, thank you sincerely! ♥

      Like

    Starr said:
    July 16, 2016 at 8:24 am

    You story really touched my heart ~ great blog post and thank you for sharing with us

    Liked by 1 person

      Ever Amaranthine responded:
      July 27, 2016 at 11:06 pm

      You’re so incredibly kind and thoughtful, thank you so much, Starr! ♥

      Like

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